Ross Thorby: The Flasher revealed… and I swear every word is true!

“Where she stood in all her elderly glory, flashing her naked Rubenesque figure…"

Our early morning arrival into Suva had been accompanied by an unrelenting heat, relieved only by the ice-cold cocktails served later on the aft’ deck at the Sail Away party.

If I was a conspiracy theorist, I would believe that the alcohol was to distract us from the sight of the three shipwrecks on the coral reef at the entrance to the harbour and wonder aloud if they had been the last cruise ships to have visited here.

And for your continued entertainment, I can also confirm that the previously reported Flasher – a matronly woman no less, has now been exposed, and disembarked in Suva.
Having joined the ship in Southampton for the full 108-day world cruise, she and her husband turned out to be quite the characters.

Doreen ('Queen Cunard’, as she subsequently insisted on being addressed) and her husband were all over the ship like a virus. Many passengers had stories about being accosted by the Queen. She had a penchant for following gentlemen whom she had taken a shine to into the bathroom, then recounting her life story, including her run-in with the FBI when they finally tracked down her one-man crime spree’d, drug-addled son, hiding out in her lounge. Her husband Will, would stand idly by just taking it all in.

Doreen had a large embroidered carpetbag that she was oft seen emptying in the ship’s grand public spaces like an alley cat marking its territory. A collection of trinkets and the irrelevant paraphernalia from a long and haphazard life, she would suddenly get up once it was emptied and wander off to some previously remembered appointment. The crew left to tidy up and safely store her bag for her later retrieval.

Queen Doreen was wont to climb onto the stage mid-performance and ingratiate herself into whatever act was taking place, sometimes engaging the performer in a long dialogue before being gently ushered off 'stage left' by security. Although amusing for some, it was disconcerting for the entertainers because she also had a predilection for removing the stage notes from the lectern before a lecture – disastrous for the lecturer who would be left having to ad lib his performance sans his carefully compiled notes.

Each day brought about new Queen Cunard stories, including that of their stateroom – a reported hoarder’s paradise with various purloined flower displays and a collection of room service plates and cutlery. Among them, even a display bottle of Champagne that had disappeared from a bar. Of course these bottles were actually filled only with water. One evening, when Doreen and her husband called over the sommelier to open their Champagne, he asked the maitre d’ what to do. “Why, open it of course,” said a bemused Sandesh.
So then it was opened at their table with great aplomb (and an audience) as Sandesh stood there and waited for them to taste their ‘Champagne’, which they did reluctantly, realising that their indiscretion had been discovered.

Of course the situation had deeper ramifications.

Queen D was obviously delusional, suffering some sort of severe neurosis and one can only guess as to how her family had imagined that the trip would have gone had she and her consort wandered off the ship and disappeared into some foreign city never to be seen again or, even worse, taken a long walk off a short balcony at sea. Or perhaps that is what they were counting on.

The final straw seems to have been QD’s regular penchant for disrobing around the swimming pool.

I myself, just yesterday, retired to the solitude of the Wintergarden for a sandwich when, who should exit the swimming pool and enter the area, but our very own Queen, who proceeded to fully disrobe her ‘swimmers' in front of me. Mid-bite, I was caught like a deer in the proverbial headlights – there was nowhere to run as she stood in all her elderly glory, flashing her naked rubenesque figure, posing for all to see. Eventually reaching for a sari, she wrapped herself and disappeared back towards the bar, her emptied carpetbag’s abandoned contents again strewn across the once pristine public place.

Unfortunately, the event was witnessed by the Captain’s wife, who was sitting in a corner of the Wintergarden, and Queen Doreen and her consort were unceremoniously disembarked in Suva. “Thank you for coming, please don’t come again.”

So the ship feels a little less entertaining this evening. Everyone has a story about our sadly departed shipmates and my friend, Fred, seems thrilled that he may have another chapter for his upcoming book.

God save the Cunard Queen… (ROSS THORBY)

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Published: September 2023