Covid-19 may be on the wane, thankfully, but we shouldn’t let the message of the last two years or so, to ‘Be Kind’, wane along with it.
And if for whatever reason you find it difficult to be kind, let yourself accept the kindness of others.
Last month Catherine Pearson in the New York Times wrote an article titled, ‘Go Ahead, Ask for Help - People Are Happy to Give It’. In it, she quoted research by Professor Xuan Zhao of Stanford University and Nicholas Epley from the University of Chicago Booth School of Business, which shed light on just why we sometimes hesitate to ask for help. They found that there are many reasons: we may be afraid of imposing; we may have a fear of rejection; we may take a stiff-upper-lip approach and try to solve our problems ourselves. But encouragingly, their research has found that people are more willing to give help than we might think.
Several years ago, I was standing right beside a middle-aged Korean woman seated on a crowded bus in Seoul, South Korea. It had been a long day and I was keen to arrive home and put my feet up. Quite suddenly the woman pulled - even snatched - my bulging satchel from my hand and placed it firmly on her lap. She held it there until I got off the bus at my stop. I had never experienced something like this before, and while my first reaction was to pull my satchel away from her ’thieving’ hands, her smile told me she was offering to lighten my load. In this case I hadn’t asked for assistance but I was grateful, and happy she was happy to help. This random act of kindness happened several times on other bus rides home, and on those occasions I didn’t hesitate to temporarily hand over my satchel laden with the day’s work. In fact, as time went on, if it didn’t happen on my rush-hour-bus-ride home, it would be a bit of a disappointment and I would have to carry my not so light satchel myself for the entire bus journey.
But sometimes accepting help can be difficult, and there may be good reason. Not so long ago I met my elderly neighbour - a long term Greater Ponsonby resident - in the street. He was carrying his shopping bag and had been to the nearby supermarket. He was almost at his front gate but was resting up for a moment. I stopped and asked him if he was okay, to which he replied he was. I crossed the road, but seeing he was quite out of breath went back to check on him once again. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked. “Can I carry your bag inside for you?” “I’m fine,” he replied. Sadly, he passed several days later. May he rest in peace.
As I write this, I can’t help wondering if my neighbour’s final few hours and days might have been different if he had let me help him carry his shopping bag, or indeed if I had been more insistent with my offer.
It’s so easy to forget that in our self-imposed busy lives there are moments when we need to stop and consider. Just for a moment. So many of us are perhaps guilty at times of rushing through tasks while thinking of the next one; cutting conversations with others short; speeding-up in an attempt to get through the traffic lights; hesitating to offer - or to accept - help.
The findings of Zhao and Epley may not come as rocket science to some, but to others just might make it easier to respond to times of need.
As Nicholas Epley says, “We tend to underestimate the power of engaging in simple gestures of kindness”. And whether it’s offering help or accepting help, that’s got to be a good thing to remember.
Remain kind. (William Greig)